I'm so tired of fixing people

I'm so tired of reminding them to keep their shit together. Because lately I've been feeling like I'm not allowed to make mistakes anymore, because I'm always the prim one. Eventually I will crash and fall down, unless I push people away.

I can't afford to be around damaged people anymore. Because I'm so fucking damaged as well. Who's going to bring the balance if we're both fuck-ups? We're just going to fall apart even more. Best I just push those people away, those who I know are bad for me.

I feel like rubbish cloth. I've been used a million times but at the end of the day, I'm gonna be picked up for cleaning. No one could ever love me if I stay like this.

I'm tired of fixing people because I think deep inside, I'm more shit crazy than them.

I need to feel alive. I don't need a person. I just need some space. Some time for myself. I don't need fixing. I just don't want to be the one who always does it. I don't need to be alone. I just need people to keep their distance. I just want to feel as if someone really gives a shit about me. Because when you want people to stay, doesn't mean you care about them. Most of the time it's because you just need someone to be there for you.

Because while I was too busy keeping your shit together, you didn't even care to caress my debris. I want you to know that you're the reason why I'm like this.

Today, I've decided that I want to make a change. I don't know how long this self-realization will last, but I hope it doesn't fade.

I grew up in a Catholic School full of outreach activities for elderlies, homeless children, needy families, and the like. It wasn't much of a big deal to me back then. But then all it took was three years of not doing those things to make me suddenly bawl out and cry for no particular reason. All of a sudden, I just knew I wanted to help.

I remembered a few months ago, I started talking to Him. I barely do that, to be honest. It was the exact same situation. I was lying on my bed at 1AM and started crying. In fact, every once in a while that happens to me, I cry for no reason, and I just know it in my gut that I need to have a talk with Him.

The last time I did that, I remember telling Him to transfer my blessings to those who actually need it. "I have more than enough", I told Him, "and if You have any more, don't give it to me. Give it to someone who needs it more than I do. I'm sure someone out there would die to have a piece of what You're giving me."

"Just give me a sign", I told Him, "and I'll help You out."

I wanted to do something. I asked Him to put me in the path of those who needs my blessings. And so I started looking at the world around me not in a different perspective, just a better one. I started looking more closely at the people around me. 

Manila is a jungle, it's full of people that needs help. We just get so used to it that we look at them as if they don't exist. The beggars entering your jeepney, wiping your shoes, I see a lot of people giving them dirty looks and telling them to stay away. Why can't they just appreciate that act of kindness? Instead of despising them, maybe a simple five peso coin wouldn't hurt your wallet. A five peso coin means a lot to those kind of people. You never know how the littlest things you do could actually mean the world to someone else.

I asked my friend if I could tag along the next time she visits Hospicio de San Jose. It's a homeless shelter that we visit every year ever since I was a kid. But because I've been very busy with college, I haven't visited in a while. I thought that tonight might actually be God telling me that giving beggars a few coins doesn't complete my mission. Tonight might be Him telling me that I need to take a bigger step.

I believe self-realizations like these aren't really our brains talking, sometimes it's God's way of communicating to us in this busy system. On February 14, which is Valentine's Day, I'm gonna take a stroll along Manila, wherever my feet takes me. May God put me in places where I am most needed.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." - Ephesians 2:8-9

I realized I haven't written for a long time, plus a lot of things have been bothering my mind lately, so I decided to do what I do best at times like these. I write.

Things are fine, which is a good thing, I guess. I don't really understand what's been bothering me. As of now, everything seems to be in place, but something feels wrong. I don't know what, exactly.

Christmas break has started, except that it's not really a "break" since my professors left us with a lot of stuff due when we go back to class. So basically it's still like going to school except you're not. You're just at home. I don't know if that made sense.

I can't really feel the Christmas vibes yet, maybe later this week. I feel really excited, though. Since it's gonna be Christmas this week, and my mom's birthday as well. I don't even know what I want for Christmas, which I think is normal. They say as you get older, things you want for Christmas slowly become lesser and unreachable, for that matter.

As you can see I'm just ranting unimportant stuff out but not really dwelling on the issue I've stated here earlier. I'm not sure if I want to distract myself from these things or if I'm just not sure what those things are. Quite a bit of both, perhaps.

I want to post a more meaningful and heartfelt entry later this week. Because this obviously wasn't it.

PS. I wrote "present" instead of "personal" in the labels. This could mean a thing or two. Probably I'm starting to feel Christmas-ish or I'm just completely out of my head right now.

I'm pretty sure almost everyone is familiar with Billy Joel's song Vienna. I've been playing this song on repeat lately, since it was just now when I finally understood what the song really means. It's about a safe sanctuary, which is Vienna, where you can just unwind and forget all your worries even just for a little while.

I remember hearing this song for the first time ten years ago, in the movie 13 Going on 30. It was played in the scene where the main character, Jenna, went back to her parents' home when everything in her work was in the middle of a mishap.

This actually made sense a week ago, when I heard a cover of this and then searched for the actual song (The Billy Joel version is much, much more amazing). I remembered the movie and realized what it means. In the back of my mind I said, "Wow, I should be at Vienna right now." What an amazing adventure it would be if I could just buy myself a ticket to Vienna right now and ease up even for just a day or two.

But then I realized I don't really have to be at Vienna to take a load off. Anywhere could be a safe sanctuary, as long as we find peace and tranquility. I'm guessing my own version of Vienna is just here, at home. Because I think the perfect sanctuary is where we find familiarity and love.

Being a college student, it's really hard to manage time and most of the time you have to be careful of how you spend every minute of it. It's been a usual mindset that resting or easing up is not an option. But it actually is. We might not realize it, but there will be times that it has to be the only option, because we may not be seeing what we're leaving behind. There will be times that we have to give ourselves a break, a time for friends, family and also ourselves. It's called balance, it's a necessity, even if it doesn't sound like it.

The real world could be a cruel place at times, where every corner feels like a battlefield. But at the back of it is home, where family will always welcome you with loving arms. No matter how many mistakes you've made, no matter how many times we screw up, there will always be our own version of Vienna where we could disappear to at times where everything just seems like crap. Vienna could be anywhere, not just in Austria. Sometimes it's just right behind us, covered by all the load we might have blindly taken while fighting in the real world.

"Too bad but it's the life you lead, you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need. Though you can see when you're wrong, you know you can't always see when you're right. You've got your passion, you've got your pride, but don't you know that only fools are satisfied? Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true. When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?"

A couple of notes before I end this:

- Travelling to Vienna is now at my bucket list.

- Billy Joel's album, The Stranger, is now in my playlist. I'm also loving his other song, Movin' Out.

I would just like to share an excerpt from 10 Things I Hate About You. It's a 1999 rom-com starring Julia Stiles and the late Heath Ledger. I love how I found a movie scene from fifteen years ago so relatable, and how perfect the rhyming and words choices are. I'm a sucker for good pieces of written works, and I found this really, really good.

I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots,
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly, I hate the way I don't hate you,
not even close.
Not even a little bit,
not even at all.

See, that's the thing about people. You become so dazzled and inlove with one that you see their flaws or their bad traits yet you can't hate them, or sometimes you seem to hate some of their traits because it only makes you fall even harder for them. But I don't believe in that theory. I believe that this kind of hate is just an excuse to fall even deeper, which is absolutely okay. Sometimes you just blame a person because you know that he'll never return the love you give him, but deep inside, who you actually hate is yourself. You hate the way you fall inlove with everything he does.

So I was watching A to Z the other day, where the episode was about this Big Glory moment that Andrew and Zelda had. And whenever it's Andrew's big glory moment, a certain song plays in his head. The one playing at the end credits of his favorite football game. And it made me think, what song plays in my head whenever I'm having my 'big glory' moment?

I have been thinking about this all night last night, and now I have finally come to the conclusion that I don't have any songs playing in head whenever I'm having a glorious moment.

However, there is that one song I have played after my high school graduation, the day before my first day of college, at the plane while we were Singapore bound, and other times when I was happy. Could it be? Could this one song that is always on my playlist, be my 'big glory' song? I'm not sure if I have played this during all my glorious moments, but I'm pretty sure that I play this song in most of the happy moments in my life (or at the very least, hummed it).

It's a bit cliche to try to assume that this is my "big glory" song, or to try to figure out what my big glory song is in the first place, but this is really how I want all my glorious moments in the future to be like. This song playing in the background while I secretly smile out of joy. Heck, I'd even be willing to play this on my wedding day.

This song is from my favorite band (ever), and in my opinion, is one of the greatest bands ever lived.

My taste in films, books and music has always been a huge thing for me, and I've always dreamt that one day I'll be marrying a man with the same taste as me, and we'd be painting our house while listening to Tame Impala or Grouplove, or maybe we'd be having a picnic while re-reading Harry Potter, or maybe we'd take our first boy to a re-screening of The Breakfast Club.

But what if that's not you? What if you're not a Kenickie who secretly loves indie songs? What if you don't dig Ringo Starr? What if you haven't finished a single book all your life? What if you have no idea who Audrey Hepburn is?

But the thing is, you could be a Screamo guy and I will love you the same. You could be emo or rock 'n roll but I will still love you the same. You could be dyslexic but I'll still read my favorite books to you if that's what you want. Because I don't care. I don't care if we don't love the same things, as long as we love each other.

Because love isn't about finding the perfect match. Love is Carl putting up thousands of balloons in his chimney to be able to fly him and Ellie's house to their dream place. Love is Danny Zuko trying his best to be a jock for Sandy. Love is Khaleesi leading and protecting Khal Drogo's army after he dies. Love is Gus spending his cancer wish to be with Hazel in Amsterdam. Love is Elena taking drugs just to be able to see Damon in her imagination. Love is Allison confessing her love to Scott before she dies.

Love is despite you not knowing these people, you will try to know them and like them as much as I do. Love means trying my best to play your favorite video game, even if I suck. Love is trying to learn your favorite song using your guitar, and singing it to you on your birthday. Love is being proud to hold your hand in the middle of a crowd. Love is agreeing to name our firstborn after your favorite superhero. Love is doing impossibly possible things. Love is doing you never thought you'd do for that one person.

But most of all, love is accepting all our differences, but could still be crazy about each other at the end of the day.

I'm young. I was in love, I was full of hope, and I was full of expectations.

I'm immature. I was broken, I was crushed, I was disappointed.

Was. I think I'm confident enough to say that I've had enough of you, legitimately. Is this what it feels like? To just wake up one day, read a message from you, and realize that my heart is still beating as fast as it was, my brain doesn't feel any tingles, and my stomach doesn't have any butterflies.

You. The one who crushed me and broke my heart a dozen times, yet I still keep coming back. You were the one who brought up my inner stupidity and blindness in love just when I thought that I've learned my lesson.

It felt amazing. The way I talked to you, the way I listened to your stories about her, without slowly falling apart. It was the perfect moment with you. All along, the moment I've been waiting for was that moment when I wasn't in love with you anymore. I guess you can never really tell when and how things may take a different turn. It just happened so fast, how one day I was so in love with you, and felt completely nothing the next.

Three months, twenty six days ago, I told you I was happy. I wasn't. Deep inside I wished it was me.

Two days, seventeen hours ago, I told you I was happy. I am.

I don’t know if what I felt for you was love. I was never sure of my feelings, I guess you're my wonderwall, and all of this was just infatuation. I never had the courage to tell you how I felt, because even I won’t be able to find the right words to say. But I don't regret anything, because I'm pretty damn sure that if I ever fall in love with yo, I'll just be crushed. So I'm not taking any chances.

I think it's perfectly normal for a person to go through a phase where his entire world suddenly goes on pause and he thinks, "What do I really want to do my life?".

I'm going through that phase now.

It was just a year ago when I had everything planned out. I was so sure of it. I wanted to go to law school once I graduate, I'm going to pass the bar exams, I'm going to be a lawyer, be successful, have a family, grow old (and rich). I was so sure of everything, that it was actually pretty clear to me where  I'm heading. But just last week, everything paused. I said to myself, "Is that what I really want?". 

I was so sure but now I'm not. I'm 18, I'm a year away from graduating. I should be sure of everything by now, but it seems like everything is taking on a different turn. The world is just getting bigger and the options are just growing wider, what do I want to be that will make me happy? 

We've all had that blur. That big, wide blur that builds a wall between us and how we see ourselves in the future. This blur is suddenly building itself around me, choking me, pressuring me, because sooner or later I'm gonna have to pass through that wall. 

I don't even know what I want right now. I don't even know how I want this entry to end.

A lot of things have been going on lately and I don't really think I could share this with anyone else but myself. I try to open up to my friends but I know i'll just end up crying like a mess so I'm not even going to try. Last night I was crying and overthinking things, and I knew I needed to do something. I knew I needed to change something. So I talked to the One who's always been the last option for me at times like these. It may sound bad that way, but yes. It was 2 in the morning, no one else was awake. So I prayed. I decided to talk to God.

I'm not really big on faith or being spiritual. If I'm being completely honest here I haven't really been going to church or if I do, I don't really listen to sermons or whatever ritual we have at church. It's always been like that, and my entire life I know something's wrong with me. Something's wrong with the way I've been living. I don't what it is, and it was 2:30 in the morning. I needed to do something about it. Because if I want to be close to God, I need to assure myself that I actually like what I'm doing, not because of a ritual that I've been doing since I was born that I thought was the only way to worship Him because it's how my parents roll.

I remember around 7 or 6 years ago I went to a Seventh Day Adventist school. I was a freshman in high school and was just starting to find myself. At first I found it hard to adjust because I'm catholic, and I grew up in a Catholic school, Catholic church, Catholic home and family... And suddenly moving away and transferring to a different school with a completely different religion was quite a big move for me. Not that we're changing religions or whatever, it just so happened that the school was the nearest one my parents could find.

So my first years of teenhood was in a completely different environment from the rest of my family's. At school we were required to attend some sort of mass for the SDAs every wednesday so I go with my friends, then come sunday I go to mass at a Catholic church with my family. It's almost the same thing, the beliefs are the same, but how come I'm liking it more at the Adventist community?

A year after that I asked my parents if I could convert into an Adventist but all I got was a huge lecture on now immature my decision was and on how I should forget about the whole thing because it isn't going to happen. I understood that, because now I've realized it wasn't thought over as I thought it was, and now I'm glad I'm still Catholic, but how come I don't really feel that I'm close to God?

So it's 3 in the morning and I'm writing this entry. I don't exactly know what's wrong with me. Is it my faith, my religion, my personality in general? I don't know. But what I know is that I need to change something in my life. I need to change to my relationship with God.

It saddens me how you love me one time then were complete strangers the next

Do you even think about the same things that I think about?

Do I even have an effect on you?

Or are you just taking me for granted?

I'm so tired.

I was reading my old blog posts the other night, and I realized how fast time flew. It seemed like it was yesterday when all I cared about was my social status in high school (and how unbelievably low it was), my love life (which never really worked out) and just petty complaints about school works. But now, these things doesn't bother me now, maybe a little, but not as much as before.

I realized that as time moves forward, we (unknowingly) move forward as people too. We may care about different things now, or maybe care about different people.

If there's one lesson I learned from all these, it that all things happen for a reason, even the bad ones. We move forward, because things may seem bad now. But maybe things will get better, eventually.

That's how all love stories start, right?

Nope, just kidding.

But really, there's this guy. I've known him for some time now, but it was just now when i realized that, yes, I do have feelings for him. It was five months ago when I started confusing this between liking him or just liking our friendship in general. And it was last week when I finally realized that I like him, like him.

And I'm dead.

He had this thing with my friend, not so long ago. She was basically the reason why he and I became friends. And this girl, she's really nice. I don't wanna be that girl who tries to ruin everything, because the two of them are perfect, and I know that they may be over, but some things still needed some time to be figured out. I just don't want to be that girl, or at least I don't want to seem to be. Plus, he's way out of my league. He's too good for me. Or maybe I'm too good for him, since a lot of people are telling me he's a player.

But you wanna know what the real cherry on top is? I don't give a flying shit about any of these things.

I guess I never learn.

I've been noticing how rarely I blog the past months, and it only means that I'm running out of things to talk about, running out of stories to tell, running out of experiences to share. Is this really where I've come to? Is this really what getting older brings?

Im turning 18 this year, and I feel really old. My life is running out of drama, and it's weird because I really like it that way last year. But somehow I seem to miss all the fun that comes with it. Now my life is just "safe", boring and full of routines. I can't believe I'm saying this but I really really miss the 2011 me.

I was reading my 2011 posts and comparing it to how my life is now. No drama, no hate, basically no bullshit. But that's what I miss! The bullshit! The drama! And I know this totally contradicts my last post, but it's time for me to stop bashing the life I had before, because I guess in some ways, it was way better than what I have now.

I don't miss the old people in my life, though. I just miss myself. Where has this person gone?

You know how you always tell yourself that this is the most mature you can get? It was only now that I found this to be wrong. I realized that I learned so much since I wrote my last entry, and it actually reflected on the way I wrote it. I've decided to start over. Delete some old entries and replace them with new ones. Ones that are gonna be able to reflect the new things I have learned, and are going to learn in the coming year.

I still have my old entries to read, though. But I decided to keep them to myself since (frankly) I don't want other people snooping around reading and finding out how much of a dork I was before. I find it really funny, though, how I seemed to care so much about the most irrelevant of things. And maybe one day, I'll get to read this entry too and laugh at the way I write, or the things I talk about, which I find perfectly fine now. I don't know. But I do hope that by then, I'll still be open to write about my life, big or little things that puts it all together.

Hopefully I could write them in short paragraphs.

If I was my high school self I would've made this post a completely elaborated and specified entry on how my entire day went. But my high school self isn't here anymore, and posting something like that might have made itself look a little, well... High school.

My first day of school was pretty much an ordinary one. A little sad, for that matter. But of course, I made it through. But I told myself that which ever way this day goes, it'll still keep going, and I would want to remember how I felt today, even if it was only a tad bit of information. I want to know how things would change.

So, hello to another school year, another set of new friends, another bunch of new memories.

So tonight I was ranting on Twitter again like I always do, and the number of replies I had made me realize how much of a negative person I am. I didn't notice until today how I seem to rant and have a say on the most little of issues, and those says are mostly negative. Then I felt sorry and I felt bad because of my think before you speak post about Inferno. 

But then again on my defense, all my opinions, thoughts, even rants, that I post publicly, are posted mindfully. So don't get me wrong. But the only thing that worries me is how I seem to over think things through, and how I always seem to have a negative say about it. So much for trying to have a different opinion, I guess.

And so, I'm sorry. If I may have insulted or even hurt some of you with my blog posts, my tweets, texts, everything. I'm sorry, sincerely. But then again, I am not saying that I won't do it again. It's my thoughts, my opinions, my say. I am still free to blurt it out loud, as long as I'm not pointing fingers.

I always thought of Manila as a dirty, populated city full of crimes and traffic. It's not the perfect city. But don't get me wrong, I love this city. I've lived here my whole life, the city itself even pays for my college education. So when it was described as the gates of hell, I was appalled. It never really crossed my mind, not that way at least. But when you think it through, you'll see the point.

I get caught up in traffic jams almost everyday. I've witnessed a few holdups in impossible places. Paid sex, rape, even cybersex of minors are being reported almost every week, everyday? In fact, I get used to it. Nothing really new. So why all the fuzz on Inferno? I bet half the complaints are from people who haven't even thought the whole thing through. Sure, they can rant all they want but with expressing personal opinions, comes great responsibility.

This is when reality struck me, it was because it's true. Sure, we can complain all we want. I mean, this is our country we're talking about, right? I just hope that these complaints come with reasonable thoughts. Because it may sound bad, but it's true. And I do hope that our newly elected mayor is now on the works of defending the city. Manila, gamitin din ang utak. Wag puro bibig. 

So the entire summer I was so bummed about losing weight this summer but it's just so hard. So I just decided to embrace the beauty of my figure and look at it as a unique part of me. 

I say, goodbye to trying hard. You can suck my fats.

Yesterday was a tough day for me.

Letting go of my new found family was really hard. But things aren't as bad as they seem, really. It's all a part of college, and maybe I just got myself so attached to these guys that it's actually hard to get myself used to them being away from me. I mean, not really away from me, but you know what I mean.

This is the best relationship I've had in forever. Everyone treats everybody equally, and for the first time, I felt like I was fully accepted. Unlike high school which was filled with bullshit and drama. My first year of college was different. And it's really hard to start anew this year. But I have to.

I'll miss all of them. It's not the same without all of us being together.