A new chapter

A lot of things have been going on lately and I don't really think I could share this with anyone else but myself. I try to open up to my friends but I know i'll just end up crying like a mess so I'm not even going to try. Last night I was crying and overthinking things, and I knew I needed to do something. I knew I needed to change something. So I talked to the One who's always been the last option for me at times like these. It may sound bad that way, but yes. It was 2 in the morning, no one else was awake. So I prayed. I decided to talk to God.

I'm not really big on faith or being spiritual. If I'm being completely honest here I haven't really been going to church or if I do, I don't really listen to sermons or whatever ritual we have at church. It's always been like that, and my entire life I know something's wrong with me. Something's wrong with the way I've been living. I don't what it is, and it was 2:30 in the morning. I needed to do something about it. Because if I want to be close to God, I need to assure myself that I actually like what I'm doing, not because of a ritual that I've been doing since I was born that I thought was the only way to worship Him because it's how my parents roll.

I remember around 7 or 6 years ago I went to a Seventh Day Adventist school. I was a freshman in high school and was just starting to find myself. At first I found it hard to adjust because I'm catholic, and I grew up in a Catholic school, Catholic church, Catholic home and family... And suddenly moving away and transferring to a different school with a completely different religion was quite a big move for me. Not that we're changing religions or whatever, it just so happened that the school was the nearest one my parents could find.

So my first years of teenhood was in a completely different environment from the rest of my family's. At school we were required to attend some sort of mass for the SDAs every wednesday so I go with my friends, then come sunday I go to mass at a Catholic church with my family. It's almost the same thing, the beliefs are the same, but how come I'm liking it more at the Adventist community?

A year after that I asked my parents if I could convert into an Adventist but all I got was a huge lecture on now immature my decision was and on how I should forget about the whole thing because it isn't going to happen. I understood that, because now I've realized it wasn't thought over as I thought it was, and now I'm glad I'm still Catholic, but how come I don't really feel that I'm close to God?

So it's 3 in the morning and I'm writing this entry. I don't exactly know what's wrong with me. Is it my faith, my religion, my personality in general? I don't know. But what I know is that I need to change something in my life. I need to change to my relationship with God.